[London] – The long heralded ‘Special Relationship’ between the United States and Britain was reported missing and presumed dead last night at the age of 67.
Reports indicated that the relationship had disappeared somewhere in Westminster, and was believed to have fallen through deep fissures within the Conservative and Labour parties, with little chance of survival.
The alliance, fathered by Sir Winston Churchill in 1946, had seen the two nations maintain global peace by launching a succession of wars over many decades.
But after an expensive petroleum business venture in Iraq failed spectacularly in 2003, support for the relationship fell among the British public, while the global financial crisis has meant that neither country can any longer afford to act as a global policeman.
The final straw came on Wednesday night, as British Prime Minister David Cameron was forced to delay plans to win parliamentary backing for an attack on Syria.
Just 24 hours earlier it had seemed that the governing Conservatives and Labour opposition would all back plans for a new war, on the basis that this is what they always do.
However, an opinion poll published by The Sun newspaper on Wednesday as an alternative to MPs speaking to actual people found that only 25 percent of the public supported the planned attack, with 50 percent opposed.
Labour and Conservative MPs soon expressed public concerns over the rush to war, and with the Liberal Democrats having famously opposed the Iraq venture, Cameron delayed a vote on military action to give himself time to find a better excuse for a stupid idea that won’t work.
United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon is leading a search and rescue team to try and retrieve the relationship, and a team of national newspaper proprietors is on hand to perform emergency life-saving surgery in a Wapping clinic should the alliance be found.
But experts believe the chances of survival are slim. Even if Mr Cameron’s delaying tactic works and parliament does vote to support an attack, last night’s events remain a landmark as the first time an agreed strategy by the two governments has been derailed in so public a manner.
Left-wingers have long sniped at the relationship, but with even right-wing Conservatives joining the critics, sources believe the relationship may have died of loneliness. Another possibility is death by democratic causes, with the British government no longer able to spin doing whatever the Americans want as maintaining Britain’s role as a major power.
Either way, any surviving relationship will no longer be ‘special’, and will instead come under intense public scrutiny; paparazzi photographers have already been seen at Chequers, a favourite romantic retreat for the relationship.
The Reverend Tony Blair, vicar of Basra, ambassador for Kazakhstan and the former British Prime Minister, led tributes to the relationship last night. “I am deeply saddened by reports of the passing of the Special Relationship. Without it, I might have lasted long enough as Prime Minister to have got the blame for the debt-fuelled recession I helped create, and would never have had the opportunity to trouser a fortune flogging my Middle East contacts to corporate interests, and for that we should all be forever grateful.”
Sources suggested last night that a golden shower may be erected as a permanent memorial.